Published by Tiana Branch
Now I do realize dadbod is not being hashtagged like it was quite recently but the physical dad bod still exists everywhere. Before long, Leo's midlife crisis will be included in the new healthcare coding. This trend came out like a working yo-yo that should've rolled its little chubby self right back in. The dad bod, like a Mr. Potato Head doll is fun for sure, maybe entertaining to photograph, but will eventually fall apart. I'm simply providing some pro's and con's and hope you all make wise informed decisions going forward with your weekends surrounded by leagues of frat brothers with larger titties than I ever had in college.
- Your dadbod lover isnt going to cheat on you because let's be real if he can't pick up a dumbbell for 25 plus years, he is likely incapable of picking up a side hoe.
- Your dadbod lover will make you feel better about yourself. No, not verbally but let's say you go out with the ladies for a cheat day or maybe you are just a little bloated, go give your man a hug and squeeze that confidence boost right out of his midsection.
- It's original. Not in that creative sort of way but in a "wow, you just changed the laws of science and created a new body type category" sort of way. Congratulations to college frat houses around the world for finally getting research published. The next issue of Shape magazine will have to include this seasons perfect wardrobe options for a dad bod figure.
- Speaking of creative, dad bod did create a holding tank for burgers, beer, and pumpkin spice lattes. So we will give them that as a pro and submit some new resumes to storage wars.
- Cuddling. Ever had a down comforter or one of those mattresses you can push your hand into and it almost disappears?
- His dumpy, soft to the touch figure is never masked by his love for easter colored polo's and questionably short khackis. Give those back to Jake from State Farm and go grab a more subtle color... like black.
- His man boobs. These are no sign of manly anything. Man is in the phrase to let you know its just wrong. If you can fill a lacey nearly B cup, you should highly consider replacing a few budlights with cardio. And schedule a mammogram for goodness sake.
- Role play. Unless the Pilsbury dough boy or Seth Rogan really rocks your station wagon, then role play will probably never be in your future sex life. Or good sex.
- From a science standpoint, womens bodies are always ready to make babies. It's just a fact. You cannot tell me subconsciously you want to pass those marshmallow genes onto your poor unborn child.
- Laziness. If you can exert quite literally none of your free time into physical activity then you better have successfully started 3 companies, own 2 well behaved dogs, and invented something I can recognize the name of.
How do we fix this?
I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of easy ways to begin your transition from dad bod to healthy living.
- Try liquor out. Pounding bud heavys on the weekend is only enabling your soft form. Try a lighter beer if you must, a mixed drink with tonic, or straight shots. This will even free up your hands for the ladies.
- Don't eat past a certain point in the night. You're sedentary through the night (and probably most of the day) so what do you think your body is doing with this "fuel" you're providing it - storing it as fat so it is available later as a source of energy. Use it or forever fat it will stay.
- Build some muscle tone. Just a short 20-30 minutes of lifting raises your metabolism and breakdown of energy sources (i.e. your midsection) for hours even after you leave the gym. Not to mention weight bearing activity reduces your risk of a number of items you don't want later in life life osteoporosis or a beer gut that could double as a TV tray.
- Start packing your own lunch. You can trick yourself into eating healthier meals, save money for the weekends, and silently express yourself when you break out a ninja turtles lunchbox. Win.
- When you first wake up in the morning, drink a large glass of water. This tells your body to wake up and start your metabolic breakdown for the day. If you're feeling froggy and still listening - add a splash of apple cider vinegar. This alkalines your system when junk food and alcohol work hard to make it acidic.
- Eat some green shit. Seriously, add some kale to your life and take in the thanks your body gives you.
- Add a little energy in the morning. Before you shower, do 10 burpees, 20 push-ups, 20 squats, and 20 bicycle crunches. It'll become routine and not take too much of your time. If your roommate asks - tell him you are training for.... on second thought, just have morning sex, everyone wins.
Now I could keep going but my equal submission of pro's and cons along with my seven highly approachable counter options suggests that I am clearly unbiased... and that's just the right thing to do. #badbod